It's my turn

It's been a while since everything started and ended.

I will be waiting for the end. Will this really end? When will it come to an end?
If it ends, it is a start of a new beginning.

I just realised that I received my retribution. The exact month and dates that I used to hurt a person, the person that I hurt so much, Nicholas. hahas. If he is happens to read this... please do be glad that this is happening to me. You know why? Cos' I know you hate me. (: But maybe not that much now yeah?

I think I am getting all emotional at things that are happening in my life.

nvm. Whatever it is, I know I have great friends around me.

MY NEW WALLPAPER! (:


As you can see,Girlfriend and Chun Hwee cut their hair.

I then decided to cam-whore with Chun Hwee and Girlfriend before I go and cut my hair.

Before I cut my hair.. it looked soooooo

Heavy!
And after I cut...
And do you guys realise of my huge nose? yea. it became bigger after not sleeping the night before and.. after nights of tearing PLUS haze? lols!

As you can see.. my fringe is shorter, hair is LIGHTER and it has MORE LAYERS! I simply love it! But then ar... the stupid girl took 20-25 MINUTES TO CUT MY HAIR. And to think I didn't sleep the night before, I was knocking myself to sleep! It's such a blessing that I DID NOT DROOL!

AND... NO MORE SPLITENDS! (:

3 of us... cam-whoring in macs! (:

Well, wanna know what is happening? Wanna know how am I feeling?

I AM FEELING ALL FED UP AND PISSED OFF and not forgetting... when I have this two emotions together... I'll get...

BITCHY

KAN NI NA BEI CHAO CHEE BYE! I TELL YOU GUYS... I SI BEI HOT AR!!!!

KAN NI NA BU EH...

Apparently, most people know that I AM SINGLE. So... what does being SINGLE MEAN?
From from THE SOURCES that I GATHERED...

From Dictionary.com and Wikipedia:

If I anyone think that I am fabricating the sources, there is a link to the words "dictionary" and "wikipedia". Now you know what is the meaning of being single?

I AM A SINGLE WOMAN UNDERSTAND?!

I walked out on him. He is out of my life. As much as we agree to be friends. HE IS DOING MORE THAN A FRIEND DOES.

He calls me, and asks me "where are you? with who?" And when I told him I AM OUTSIDE and I AM WITH MY FRIENDS.
He will ask the same stuff again.

And when I tell you what I am doing. For example, "ohh.. I am drinking with my friends."
What is your reaction? What will you do?

And the next thing I know, you will be meeting MY FRIENDS and start threatening (Oops! typo error)TALKING to them.

Yes. To think that you have change. Or rather SAID THAT YOU WERE A CHANGED MAN. If you want the whole world to know about your blog. I'll help you to advertise it HERE! Cos' obviously, I have more people viewing my blog compared your blog. AND.. yes.. IF YOU WERE A CHANGED MAN... Oh yes, I admit that you WERE CHANGED. Yes Yes Yes, I played a part in changing you in the past. BUT LOOK AT NOW. You changed even more. You seem to be a DESPERATE! The reason why I am backing off from you know it that, you don't seem to have control of yourself. I don't listen to what YOU SAID. But I choose to SEE YOUR ACTIONS. And I guess my judgement is no wrong.

Pertaining towards your post dated on the 27th October 2006:
I guess you didn't know what you were doing. And I guess you are just out here in runing me? hahas. No worries. The whole world can know what is going on and YES! Everyone will take pity on you. But those people who see things in both ways like me, wil actually ask, WHAT TRIGGER ALL THESE? hahas. YES. Excuses of your IMF blah blah blah... But you know what? I am as busy as you are. You just do not know what I am going through blah blah blah. I DO NOT NEED A ELDER BROTHER IN A RELATIONSHIP. But I need someone who dote on me. YES! Everyone can see how much you love me. Fetch me of school. blah blah blah. Carry me on your back and walk across the field. If everyone is gonna place the blame on me...

FUCK IT!

I don't give a shit. Cos' things will just wear off. I am tired of running this marathon and I need a break from everything. Yes. "we made mistakes in life but it never too late to correct it.." and yes, IF I AM THE MISTAKE, so be it. I am fine with my life NOW. I am loving my life.

And your msg back dated on the 31st of October 2006:
"I am not doing this for revenge though it looks like one but I am doing this because this is the only way to make you fall, make you come to my senses. You hate me now but deep in you heart, you will see the truth.. And no matter how hurtful you are feeling I will walk beside you and you won't be alone"

I FUCKING HELL DO NOT NEED YOU TO HELP ME FALL. Ever heard of unnatural death and natural death? Same concept here. UNNATURAL FALL and NATURAL FALL. And come on, COME TO MY SENSES?!?! I DO NOT NEED YOUR FUCKING HELP. Just deal with it BOY. You can't accept the fact that I AM WHO I AM NOW. You cant accept the change. You can't accept the fact that I AM MOVING ON. You can't accept the fact that I am ABLE TO LEAVE YOU. AGAIN, You can't accept the fact that I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE. Just admit it, as much as you said that you care for me... blah blah blah... The underlying statement is that... : YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS THAN I AM ENJOYING MY LIFE WITH SOOOO MANY GUY FRIENDS. And why?!?! THEY ARE GUYS!

You wanna be MY FRIEND. Just be la. But you are no one to CONTROL my life. I choose the path I want to take. NO ONE can stop me. Just do me a favour by stepping aside la. And yes remember this saying.. " Na De Qi, Fang De Xia" In a relationship basis, it means, when you have the courage to love the person, when you have the courage to get into a relationship with the person, when it's time for you to let go, be graceful and step aside. If you wanna settle things with me... SETTLE WITH ME. DON'T GET ANY OTHER PERSON INVLOVED!

FUCK OFF!

And yes, remember my pretty face! (:

-I snipped my blood vessels last night. Just to see how much I bled

Do you ever know?

Do you really know yourself well?
Guess, this question will remain unanswerable in everyone's life.
At times, you feel that you do know what is happening and you FEEL YOURSELF. But is that REALLY YOU?

Do you FEEL YOURSELF or Do you THINK you know yourself?

People change. Me too. And when you change, you need to adapt to yourself.
Your changes. Your rationales. Your reasons. Your thoughts.

And when it comes to making a decision, you have to think about it.

Sometimes, we need to figure out solutions to problems. Or rather, answers to certain questions.
Sometimes, we feel that we have already have the answers.
And on the other hand, we THINK that we do not have the answer but we actually do.
I've... been there, done it. (:

Solution: Time will tell.

I just came out from a dilemma. Which kinda saddens me.
That, i'll let you guys know.

In the meanwhile, chill and see this. (:

Deceived

I won't see you tonight Part 1 by Avenged Sevenfold

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me,
I cared for and loved

Building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me, you're not the one to place the blame
As bottles called my name, I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me,I cared for and most of all I loved
but I can't see myself that way
please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,I won't see you tonight
So far away, I'm gone.

Please don't follow me tonight.
And while I'm gone, everything will be alright.

-This is one song that I will listen and cry with, as the sounds dance on the surface of the my headphones

I am living in a nightmare full of sorrows
Please do not deceive me
And I dont wanna ask much
Give me a sign
Instead of those sweet nothings
I am sick of it
Don't forget me when I'm gone
Will I really leave?
I did everything I could
I hurt myself by loving you

I hate it when you cared
I hate it when you said you love and miss me
I hate it when I am around
Cause it pains me in everyway
When I fall deeper day by day

-I know all these happenings can't be right at all. I know that I am stuck in the dream. Let me just savour this moment, this dream.

What is happening?

Something is going all wrong in my life.

more stress. more challenges. more decisions.

MORE IMPORTANT DECISIONS!

And...

MY WORLD JUST CRASHED!


-I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight

The Season

It's seems like it's the SEASON. What season? The season of people leaving other people's life.

-Serene left a love triangle as a third party which she practically got fuck off by some pathetic idiotic asshole.
- Ms Siti sorta lose a younger brother.
-Grace broke up with her bf on her birthday which is on the 12th Sept 2006. Good birthday pressie right? FUCK!
- Lewis broke up with his gf and he's feeling all emo now. No worries boy, you'll like get over it.
- I broke up with Dickson like on the 11th of October after a 1 year and 6 months relationship.

What else can I say? Maybe it's just me and me.

Whatever it is. Friends for life? Or... Friends as long as I can hold on? Which is which. Fortuantely, I made my stands clear. I never believe in forever. But whatever it is, it will definitely be a long debate. So I guess, I will just drop it okays?

Well, I didn't go to school on Friday. I wanted a break. AND I realised that I can't skip anymore Fridays for the entire semester. I "claimed" all my holidays already. Once for not going back to school on the 22nd because of Poly Forum and the other one was last Friday.


Reuben Girlfriend decided to skip school with me and leaving poor Chun Hwee alone in school! How evil can we be!

I went to Girlfriend's house early in the morning and went I was walking to the bus stop.. I saw..

OMG! You guys just do not know how gorgeous she is man! She like like sooooo cuuuttee! and sswweet... Just look at her pair of cutie shoes! OMG! This kid really brighten up my day! OMG! So sweet! hahas. Okays, I DO NOT WANT to be a mummy NOW! And it just reminded me about stuff I talked to him when we were together. hahas. WHATEVER! Went to Girlfriend's house to put on my make up. And gosh! I think that the haze is stuffing my nose up and it's starting to look like chen long's (Jackie Chan)nose!

What the fuck!

*points middle finger*

I headed to town with Jovanna and Girlfriend. Met up with Serene and both of us talked our some important stuff. (:

To Serene:
I FEEL SO FUCKING ENLIGHTEN!

And THAT THOUGHT is still lingering in my mind. WHATEVER~
4 of us hit the neoprint shop and...

bombard!

So slack right! We were all like "lie down lie down! a lie down shot!"

YA WAD! And girlfriend said that.. this shot looked like a mass orgy shot!

And we see who is the thorn among the roses?!?! LOLs. Just kidding gf! (If you happen to be reading this!) (:And for the record, I LOVE THIS SHOT! I love the angle of my face la! And gf loves his goatie! hahahas.

Separated with those 2 at parkway! *sobs*
Whatever it is, Thanks Serene! (: Jovanna too!
Met up with Kim and went havoc! She gave me a little keychain. Apple keychain I guess? hahas. Oh ya! APPLES REMIND ME OF THE GOD OF DEATH! (Later part of this post!) Ya. Met up with Kim's BB collegues. And Ms Kim, for the record,

I AM NOT MAD WITH YOU!

Met up with chaos, Lewis, Chun Hwee. Sweet! I went to shopping shopping! And was freaking tired la! We went to FAR EAST'S ROOFTOP! yes! GREAT!

MEMORY LANE!

*points middle finger*

The weekends seem to be like a drilling session for me. I am made to be prisoned at home in the afternoons and mornings to teach the twins. I was only free in the nights. I went to like watch Death Note yesterday! And I must say, it was GOOD! My favourite character is Mr L! OMG! I love Mr L. The way he picks things up was... hahahahahas! FUNNY!. The way he eats, the way he drinks. hahas. with that lil' thumb in his mouth! hahahas! MUST WATCH! I love the way Kira plots his scheme. PERFECT! The way he manipulates. I love it man! (:

Alright, I owe my old school bitches this! Neoprints that were take on the 12th of Sept 2006. A significant date I will remember till I am dead. (:





I had a bad day like today, or yesterday? Oh.. it past 12! So, it's YESTERDAY! My handphone went mad! It touched water! GAWD! Dickson then came all the way down to changed my battery. I know. I know what the readers are thinking. Can't help it okays. I went for dinner with Girlfriend and Ian. We were like cam whoring!

sweeties having their hair tied up! Guess who is like beside me? no one. Just a GHOST! Now you know who is the ghost?

LIGHTS!

-And yes, I found my gold cosy arena. Have you?

Everybody's changing

Everyone is changing. Maybe people don't change. But I do. Yes, I have change. I talked to an old friend today. This was our conversation:

TG: "Clara, you have changed a lot. But its up to you to explore more about you."

Me: "hahas. thanks. a lot of people say i change a lot too. Most say for the worst."

TG: "But seriously, I like it this way, God job. I salute you! Your personality is so much different from the other times but I can't judge you fully now because you might show a part of a new you. "

Me: "Maybe it's because I am less bitchy now la. And busy as well."

TG: "And if you really need someone to talk to, u can call me, no worries..."

Hearing this, I am relieved. Though my life is in a mess now, I saw the light. Thanks dude! That is what I have been telling myself. Friends are important to be now. Not relationships. Friends are the one that really stay by you no matter what.

I have a goth name. And what it means is... " You are a sweet and caring person physically, but inside, you do get hurt a lot of times. One problem creates a scar. And it will stay there."

How true is that.

In my one of my previous entries, I mentioned about love triangle. And yes, a lot of people have been asking me whether I am involve in one. WTF?!?! So what if I am involved? So what if I am not involved in a love triangle? I do not need comments. I do not need to hide anything. Neways, I have a classic example, I just talked to my bitch, Serene. She just came out from a love triangle yesterday. And according to her, the guy just push the blame everything to her. And even beg his girlfriend for another chance. It's like what the fuck?!?!

Whatever it is, it takes two hands to clap man!

He is such a WIMP!

2 hands to clap man! 2 hands to clap! And the girlfriend also SO STUPID! Forgive him for what?

He can do this once to you, he can do it AGAIN. And this doesn't mean that u can FORGIVE him again!

WIMP WIMP WIMP WIMP WIMP WIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I despise such guys! Make your right choice. Be with the one you love! I know, it takes time. Please don't dump shit to the 3rd party if things happen! BE FIRM!

SCREW ALL THE GUYS LA!



Watch this viedo:

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
He told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

This song is like so emo! I am in love with this song man! A deep meaning to it. I haven't been blogging for a long time. And I have that tickling feeling back!

And certain people are coming back. Let me tell you guys, I AM SINGLE so what? This does not mean I am READY for a relationship! I don't want a relationship and I want to enjoy being single! SINGLEHOOD MY HOMIES! Right Ian? Right Reuben? So all those people.. better stay away! I am not talking as if a lot of people like me.. but the fact is that... all those OLDIES are coming back!

*smiles*

Wonder what I have been up to for the past few days? I have been with a group of emo guys and she is one of them!

-She is my friend.-And I played tennis yesterday with girlfriend Reuben! (: Beautiful scenery right?

And yes, I may seem to quit cam-whoring. But it is not over! More cam-whoring TOMORROW!

And owe u guys this,

Till den ppl...

- For you, I hanged myself

scratched @ 1.02am

DEAD

As I see your shadow blending into the night

My wound cuts even deeper
I hate to say this
But, is this what will really happen?
This is the first time you leave me all alone
The first time you walked out on me

scratched @ 2.39am

Dance

I am dancing in circles. I just finish everything I had to finish for my extension of my HPB Project. I figured that I wanted to change my blogskin. But then I am like so tired and busy AND LAZY!

Soo.. I decided to change the way I blog. I am back to who I was back in 2005. Good. For once, I feel my other side is alive and it's moving inside and I am enjoying it.

(:

Last Wednesday, I had my Enterprise Skills Module I. It's about the fashion thingy and my faci had to change the bloody item that we are supposed to market about!!!

WTF?!?!?!

And guess.. what did I need to market?

JOCK STRAP!

Any idea what it is?

I msned my bru-ther in msn. And he said... it was for a HORSE!

FUCK! I went to check it out and realised that it was...

http://www.hisroom.com/jock-strap,sport-underwear,454,012,10.html

YES! I KNOW! And everyone purposely bomb me because I said IT WAS FREE SIZE! I am a girl what! And the class still ask me to draw that damn thing on the whiteboard!

WAH LAU!

WHAT THE FUCK!

So embarassing lor! GOSH!

I know la. How can I be so sensitive towards this right? Because I always appear to be bitchy. If.. I was presenting to W15F... not that bad la! But... W34B leh! I am sort of new to the class! OMG!

Then bru-ther still tease me and say that it is his oxygen mask(inside joke) from his muay thai!

bru-ther... take this..

*points ALL fingers EXCEPT THE MIDDLE FINGER* LOL!

And yes...

I have so many people coming to me and asking...

"What happen to you and Dickson?"

WHAT HAPPEN?!?!?! BREAK MEANS BREAK LA! GOT WRONG IS IT?!?! FUCK LA.

Happy right? I break up with Dickson?!?! You think I care?!?! AND YES, FOR YOUR INFORMATION... HE IS MY FRIEND NOW! Any problems?!?! No right?!?! SO... SHUT YOUR FUCKING GAP!!!

Wanna know why we break up?!?!?!

Because I AM A BAD GIRL! I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO CHERISH HIM! UNDERSTAND?!?!

I don't care what people think about me. Because, I am here on earth to live for myself. NO ONE ELSE. I do things FOR MYSELF. NO ONE ELSE!

Think I am selfish?!?! YES! INDEED I AM!

THE WORLD EVOLVES AROUND ME!

I AM ME. NO ONE CAN CHANGE ME.


-I am living in the world of steel. Just slice me dry.

scratched @ 4.22am

Read this story. (:

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived. Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all the others, including Love.
One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave.
Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help.
Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, “Richness, Can I come with you on your boat??” Richness answered, “I’m sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere?”
Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel. Love cried out, “Vanity, help me please?” “I can’t help you?” Vanity said. “You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat?
Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, “Sadness, please let me go with you? Sadness answered, “Love, I’m sorry, but, I just need to be alone now?”
Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, “Happiness, please take me with you?” But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn’t hear Love calling to him.
Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, “Come Love, I will take you with me? It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name.
When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder.
Love then found Knowledge and asked, “Who was it that helped me??”
“It was Time?” Knowledge answered.
“But why did Time help me when no one else would??” Love asked.
Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, “Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is?”

scratched @ 3.29pm

In circles.

An issue I would like to touch on.

Scenerio:

Basically, in a Love Triangle, the are 3 people. A loves B. C loves B. B loves C and A. And let's place C as the 3rd party. ANd yes, C knows about A and B's relationship. OMG! how complicated that is now! I have been seeing these scenerios every day. So how? Basically, I give a 3 way report on how that 3 parties will feel if they BOTH A and C find out each other.

A: From this person point of view, C is a slut. This person thinks that he or she reserves every right to posess B. Just because he or she came first. And he or she will do anything to make B happy just not to lose out on C.

B: On the other hand, B will feel very stress out because, he or she knows that he or she have to make a choice on either one.

C: This person came in and know that he or she IS A THIRD PARTY. But this person still carries on all because of one word, LOVE. This person didn't mind anything at all. But.. is it really LOVE? or is it just SUFFERING?


FUCK. I suddenly feel that I made a mistake.
It's just not a mistake. BUT A GRAVE ONE.

Yes, indeed, I am single. And I feel that it WAS a mistake.

Time Will Tell


scratched @ 11.45am

Relentless

After being so busy for the past few months, something just dawned upon me when I saw an accident today.

Though Siti always says that god have punished her blah blah bah. Cause she bumped her head on the wall, she lost a kid blah blah blah. But what happen this morning was really shocking. It just HIT me on the spot.

I saw an old man (about 80 plus) getting down 168. He didn't see a puddle of water, he slipped and fall. He had trouble getting up. And no one was helping him. i wanted to but I was far behind.

And there, I was thinking, WHAT THE FUCK?!?! and I realised that the incident trigger a part of me that I lost few months back. I thought about loads of things when I was walking to school.

And I figured that it's part and puzzle of life... what have been doing for the past few months, i am now giving 2nd thoughts.

I feel like giving up on my Kanchanaburi Trip because it feels that it's getting no where.
I feel like leaving my house because I am sick and tired of what is happening.
I feel like breaking free from everything.

But...

I know I can't back out. Cause I ain't a loser.

I was thinking of 2 issues. But I have not come up with a conclusion. Till then.

scratched @ 2.12pm

AwwwWwww....

AwWwww..........

this is so sweet!



I at CLOUD NINE!

THANKS! *Muacks*

scratched@ 3.19pm

Amusing!

I went to party after my meeting on Saturday. And guess what I saw?

"Virgin Brides for sale! 1 for $1! Buy ONE get ONE free!"

WEIRD isn't it? WHY?!?! Cause those ladies were fucking high!!! hahas! They were so funny! They were wearing a bugs bunny hat. err.. like...

BUT! I am NOT one of them. It was just funny la okays? Amusing too! Free entertainment besides my "APPLE JUICE!"

scratched @ 3.13pm

i hanged myself.

fuck! I know I am materialistic. So what? NOT HAPPY?!?! THIS IS MY RANTING GROUND!

Yes, I am known to be MATERIALISTIC since I was in Secondary School. I used to have many thoughts. How I am going to hook up a rich old faggot. Make him spend money on me and then I'll poison him and then I'll inherit all his money!!!

wahahahahahas!

So guys, BEWARE!

Nahs, THAT THOUGHT, was all in the past. But recently, I've actually change my mindset about being materialistic. There is two THREE types of materialism which I share with Mr Ridwan and some of my Project team mates.

First kind of materialism: THE CHEAPSKATE.

Well, THE CHEAPSKATEs are the one that get their stuff from other people. For example, having sugar mummies and sugar daddies and just get whatever they want from them. In chinese, they call guys as " chi luan fan." or girls, I have no freaking idea. These people are classified under the weaklings.

Second kind of materialism: THE FAKES

Well, this group of people enjoy the image, blah blah blah, and the list goes on. But they struggle to get what they want. They spend beyond their means and get busted in the end. Cause they can't lift up to their standard of living. *boo*

Third kind of materialism: THE INDEPENDENT

For this, I salute these people and I WANT TO BE ONE OF THEM. Yes, I AM MATERIALISIC, BUT... I get it by my own means and I earn for it. I get what I earn! And I do not spend beyond my means.

hahas. how funny! But it's true! You see all these people around in this world! Think about it.

"The only true enemy that you have is yourself. Your ego is your enemy. The struggle in everyone's life is within themselves, between your ego and your soul. This struggle is over which will command your heart and your mind, your ego which only knows judgment or your soul which only knows compassion. By learning to love yourself you are learning to love your enemy. Your soul is taking command of your heart and your mind. The more you let your soul command your heart and your mind the more you will understand who you truly are. You cannot love and have compassion for your brothers and sisters here on the earth plane until you can learn to love and have compassion for yourself."

Read this webbie for more details. http://breboco.com/spiritual/spiritual21.htm

Happy reading! (:

I wanna be with you because I love you. That is the simple reason. Nothing else. I do not want to be with you because of I feel that I am grateful towards you.

scratched @ 9.44pm

cramped

I tried, but there were no sparks.
I tried, but I can't search for THE feeling anymore.
I tried, but I can't stop thinking.
I tried, but SOS doesn't help.
I tried, and I really did tried.

I'm sorry, I've fail you.

scratched@ 4.31pm

my bed of roses

I have searching for my bed of roses for the past years.

-And I'm glad I've found it.

scratched @ 2.44pm

Kiss Goodbye

BABY bu yao zai ku qi
zhe yi mu dou me shou xi
jin wo zhe ni de shou bi ci dou she bu de fen li
mei yi ci xiang kai kou
dan bu ru bao chi an jing
gei wo yi fen zhong zhuan xin hao hao xin
shang ni de mei

xing fu da pei bei shang
tong shi zai wo xin jiao cha
cuo zhe de yan lei bu neng ce shi ai de zhong liang
fu chu de ai shou bu hui
hai qian ni de wo bu neng gei
bie ba wo xin ye dai zou qu gen sui

mei yi ci he ni fen kai
shen shen de bei ni da bai
mei yi ci fang qi ni de
wen rou tong ku nan yi shi huai
mei yi ci he ni fen kai
mei yi ci KISS YOU GOODBYE
ai qing de zi wei ci ke wo zhong yu zui ming bai

xing fu da pei bei shang
tong shi zai wo xin jiao cha
cuo zhe de yan lei bu neng ce shi ai de zhong liang
fu chu de ai shou bu hui
hai qian ni de wo bu neng gei
wo cai ming bai ai zui zhen shi de zi wei

mei yi ci he ni fen kai
shen shen de bei ni da bai
mei yi ci fang qi ni de
wen rou tong ku nan yi shi huai
mei yi ci he ni fen kai
mei yi ci KISS YOU GOODBYE
ai qing de zi wei ci ke wo zhong yu zui ming bai

Yes, this song is about separation. It's a damn emo song la. hahas. Reminds me of...

-confused
-stressed
-and i do not need anything now

scratched @ 12.58am

The Devil

Well, I got loads to update right?

My birthday, went on quite well, thanks Ms Siti and Daddy. Thank you. I really appreciated it. It was a Whooo Haa! (:

And now, I am in no mood for anything. I just feel that my stress level has just rised! goody! More about that in the later posts. AFTER, my poor baby is being repaired! For now, all the doctors are analysing the condition, and she will undergo an operation in a few days time. (:

Well, Poly Forum finally ended, BUT,
it does not mean that everything IS DONE! ( more updates in later posts)

Well, I learnt a lot of things from Poly Forum. Though I had many late nights, I got to know more friends and I got to have a chance to understand some people deep down inside, vice versa.

Pictures will be up soon I guess!

And yes, I watched a movie!


GOOD GOOD!

3 out of 5 thumb-ys! hahas

A GREAT MOVIE EXPERIENCE! (:

p.s: my baby is back. but not fully configured! (:

scratched @ 12.09am

THE BITCH

BITCH SEASON IS BACK!

hahahahahahahahahahahas!

My life is SCREWED! and I'm gonna make it even more SCREWED! And Yes...

My Core Values WILL CHANGE!

EVERYTHING CHANGES!

fienish and selfish! (:

scratched @ 5.15pm

DAMNED!

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

MY BABY TOTALLY CRASHED!

MIA now!

scratched @ 5.31pm

gone

Okays, I'll be gone for a few days.

Little update:

- My 18th bdare went quite well.
- My Baby Lappy CRASHED!: Re-formatting it on the 22nd
- Poly Forum Camp from 17th to 21st. (Downtown East): Want to find me, give me a call (:
- Resume blogging on the 22nd.
- Will missed 1st day of school (21st) and maybe the 22nd too! (Because re-formatting my baby!)

scratched @ 1.11am

satisfaction

Well, after all that struggles, finally, everything is OVER. My schedule is less busy now. I THINK. For now. And finally, I'm feeling tired now that everything is OVER. Can you believe it? How crazy the past few weeks had been? We stayed in school from the late morning to late night! Can you imagine how fulfilling everything have been?

I talked about people coming in and going out of our lives. Yes. Indeed, I'm typing this and I'm feeling all emotional. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! I HATE BEING LIKE THIS! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

People come and go in our lives, what we can do is to treasure every single moment with them, and if they are really gone, at least we know that they entered our lives once, touch our lives once, and they will remain in the chapters of our lives as memories.

Well, Ms Siti had a little debate. Well, I am saying this in the sense of short- term friendships. Just like Poly Forum, everyone is from a different school. And within a weeks. weeks. And I really mean weeks. For like 4 weeks, I dare to claim that we are very close now. Just like a family. I am looking through all the photos now and yes, I'm not feeling too good. Friends like this are rare to come by.

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

YES! I AM CURSING!

Well, whatever it is. take a look at this link : poly forum pictures. Take a good look at them. Story Telling session at Bishan NLB and Sengkang NLB and not to forget sub team 4 training.

It's hard to explain. I am glad to have friends like that. We been through thick and thin. Firing sessions, Screwing sessions, and basically, working hard as a team to meet the deadlines. And now that most of our projects are done which we are only left with the literature research segment. I feel sad. It's simply amazing! I mean, you only thought that we do things in a professional way: meeting, set aside personal stuff, and then go home.
But, it's different. Somehow, I feel that we created a huge bond. Laughters, anger etc.

And you are aware that you are just here for poly forum. Bond with your fellow mates and that's it. But it became more than you expected. It's hard. And I am sort of regretting that I did not have that mentality that all these could just be part of my memory. Knowing that you are together JUST TO WORK ON THE PROJECT.

Well, I guess that is the reality of the working world. More Dreams, High Expectations! Higher Expectations, just to hit them, you roam around for the BEST, and while doing so, you meet loads of people. Some get along with you. Some do not. But all these are memories.

I'll miss the cast of our great story SWEET DREAMS.
I'll never forget...

Nat's rhymes in the story lines cum the director of sweet dreams!
Audrey's drama-ness that makes me laugh! She is ONE i'll NEVER FORGET especially on the first meeting that I join the team!
Shuang Er's dao-ness, magazines and nail polishes!
Canni's granny's smile and spects!
George's jokes and small talks!
The other George's FATNESS! "mummy mummy, can I have that gingerbread man?"
Siew Huey's "hehehehehehehehe" (Witch's laughters)
Michelle's innocent face! (:
The righteous Saddiq. The religious one too!

Not forgetting my smoking kakis, Canni and George Abraham. Canni and Nats' debate during our dinners or lunches and everyone will chip in and the whole team seem like we were debating.

I still remembered the first time I met the team early in the morning! At The Forum's Mac. I was perspirating, and George A. said, "I can see all your colours coming out!"
And I turned and look at Audrey, we looked at each other for a few seconds. And the next thing we knew. We were waving our hands in front of each other's face and screaming. And the whole team just went... WHAT THE HELL!

haha. funny!

Whatever it is, I looking forward for the 18th. Poly Forum Chalet! Don't think chalet okays! Must work leh!

Till then! (:

Scratched @ 12.39am

.wishes.

It's like 1.10am. I have the sudden erge of blogging. Maybe to pour out what I am going through.

If I have a wider scope of my life, sometimes I wonder, why am I going through all this? Though I believe that your destiny lies in your hands, the future is the consequence of your present or past. But sometimes, I wonder why is all these have to happen to a 17 year old kid. If this what I really want? Am I fated to be mould this way so that I can grow up? To think that I was sooo enthusatic about turning 18. I dun think so now. So what if it's only 4 days away? Cause, it seems nothing to me now. I feel like I am floating here and there. I'm not on earth.

At the age of 4, I thought I had a happy family.
At 5, I saw what man and woman really are,
When they are in love, when they have fights,
At 9, I still hold that hope of a happy family.
The birth of the addition to the family,
makes no difference.
At 12, I start to acknowledge the fact that some things that I really want is out of my reach.
Once again, I held the hope again at the age of 14.
Nothing worked.

At the age of 16, I diverted my attention.
I wished for the right guy.
And at the age of 17, it came true.
But coming 18, I am soooo sure that he is the one.
If he is the one, why do we have so many ups and downs?
If he is the one, why do I feel so stranded?
And if he is the one, why do other matters affects us?
Isn't a relationship about only him and her?

Turning 17, perceptions of true friends change.
I never believe in true friends.
As the old saying says, "the closest to you is the one who have the higher risk of turning their backs on you.."
But only that one adult change that perception.
Her actions convinced me that true friends do exist.
But why do friendships get so complicated?

I feel blessed sometimes.
Most teens don't get to go through this.
On the other hand, it gets tiring. Draining.

Someone used to ask, "what is life to you?"
I said, " Life is something special. We live here for a reason. What we have tmr is the cause of today and yesterday. Whether we want to live life to the fullest, it's up to us. Our own destiny is in my own hands. I make the choice on how I want my life to be like. Life... we have to live it the fullest. So that we are happy. That is all I need."

I got early presents from some of my friendsfor my birthday. Maybe I feel that my Thailand trip is just made for me. Break. Break.Break.

I do not want anything for my birthday anymore. Gifts are only the surface level that make me happy. I am not a religious person. But for now...
God, I only wish a few things to change in my life. And I really hope that you will make it happen. I wish for my mum to have a good life. Please take all her sufferings. For my two little ones, a healthy environment to grow and learn. For my love, for him to go back to school and I know he really wants it. Please do not get any harm to him. I know deep inside, he is fragile. For my friend whom I love dearly, please continue guiding her along. Her working life have been a rough ride. As for myself, thank you for giving me that trait of being so cheerful always no matter what happens in my life. I just wish for more strength to carry on in life. Please fulfill all these. Those would be the BEST birthday present I could wish for. (:

scratched @ 1.47am

Soundtrack Of Our Lives

Indeed a day to remember.

24th August 2006: The day I will never forget- the last few hours with W15F!

I woke up late because I was so dead damn tired after countless sleepless nights. err... not countless actually! (:I woke up at 12pm and I relised that I was FUCKING LATE! I was supposed to meet the rest at 1230pm at Punggol MRT station. I took a cab to Ashlee's place as they said that they will be waiting at Ashlee's place. I met up with Shawn, Shahriah, Jenny, Stella, Lucinda, Chu Yun, Diana, Wandi, Xyndee, Fei Fei, Ashlee and Shu Hui. And obviously, you can see her stone in front of the camera with Lancer. Shawn's dad came to picked, us up (Shawn, Wandi, Lucinda and I). The rest went by Faci, Ms Grace Leong's car and by a cab. We went to check in. And I must say that I love the place! Look soooo like OVERSEAS! JUst because what? It is a RESORT! Well, as a cam-whore myself, I won't miss a chance to... ...
CAM-WHORE!
Afer doing a check whether anything was missing, Wandi went to reserve his room first!
And in the girl's room... they were all doing the preparations for the start of the PARTY!

Stella then offered me fishballs on a plate ( chalet's plate which looks all dirty) And she said that she washed the plate and when I asked her what she washed it with...
"I washed it with tap water and my hands la. Then I pat it dry with tissue paper."
Wah lau! What the fuck! You tell me you washed the plate without detergent already bad enough leh! Now u tell me with YOUR HANDS! Wah lau! I want to puke already! When I was on the way out with Shahirah, Wandi and Shawn. I threw the fucking fishball in the drain! LOLs. I know: I AM MEAN! butss... I CAN'T HELP IT!

Yups. We went to the arcarde to play cars. I know. Why the sudden interest right? Well, that is because, the influence of Too Fast, Too Furious: Tokyo Drift and Need For Speed! Then, we met Dinee and Sabita. How cool is that? I make a good photographer right? Ya la. We did not let both of them in the resort as there was only one backgate opened. After that, we went to buy strings to tie up the balloons so that the place would be decorated. Then we were all thristy so we bought drinks la... see.. our collection.
In the making... Wandi and I then started the fire for the BBQ. OMG! It was really hard work man! ya. DUMB i know. but.... WHATEVER~

And poor Kelvin injured his hand. Why? Because he Kay Kiang. He went to do a slam dunk! hahas.
Then they played truth or dare with Ms Grace Leong.
And here, we presented Ms Grace Leong with her title, Ms Drama Queen!
And after she left, we started playing the sabo-ing game.
Everyone is given a tag on their forehead. We are not supposed to act out or say out the words that is written on the tag. And in the end... everyone got saboed!
Ms Loh was the one that we were the most gentle towards...
Then after that, we watched the W15F's video. Done by Ms Siti and me!
And we gave out the sashes and the little black book.
Everyone then showered after the prize giving.
After that, Daddy Dickson came. And we drank Vodlka Absolut! With Kelvin, Asyraf and Wei Lun!
hahas!
Wei Lun got high, Asyraf too. Kelvin still the best! We drank till about 5 plus in the morning. Some peeps went to watch the sunrise, some slept, but me? I ended up slacking around la! The moment Wandi woke up, we went to have our morning smoke and then we went to clean up the area while the rest were sleeping...
And here, I present to you the girl who snores! hahas. Funny isn't it?
And all the peeps who were sleeping? hahas.
Ohh ya... imagine Ms Ashlee pasting this in the living room... outside the bedrooms.. blah blah blah!!! OMG! Thank god there's the BBQ area!
When we were almost ready to check out, the caretaker came to do her rounds. And I must say... She is...

ONE OF THOSE FUCKED UP PEOPLE i see in my life!!!

*points middle finger*

Wanna see who that fucking chee bye is?
There! Her picture.

SO... lets see.. Here's the story...
When Shawn, Wandi, Lucinda, Shahriah and I checked in. We all checked for all the utensils and stuff. And the thing is that. We were not asked to check for BATHROOM MATS!
That bloody chee bye went to the rooms and found that BATHROOM TOWELS were on the floor and being used as a BATHROOM MAT!
With that, she decided to press charges against us for mis-using the BATHROOM TOWELS. We argued and then I realised that Shawn's dad DID NOT sign the check-in paper. Apparently, one of the staff said that IT WAS FINE NOT TO SIGN THAT PIECE OF PAPER. Because it COULD BE SIGNED ON THE DAY OF CHECK OUT. AND...

APPARENTLY,

there is this statement written on that piece of paper.

"I hereby abide the rules that the organisation reserves the rights to press any charges of any mis-use or missing items.. blah blah blah.."

So.. I told Shawn that if that WOMAN insisted on signing that piece of paper, fine, we will have it her way, BUT
Shawn has to write down the DATE AND TIME that he placed his signature on.

*points middle finger*

And at that point of time, I was so fucking annoyed, that I KNEW THAT I WAS HAVING A BITCH FIT!

So.. I told that WOMAN... "FINE THEN, IN THE FIRST PLACE, MY FRIEND DID NOT SIGN IN BLACK AND WHITE THAT YOU GUYS RESERVE EVERY RIGHT TO PRESS ANY CHARGES, AND ACCORDING TO MY FRIEND, ONE OF YOUR STAFF SAID THAT IT WAS OKAY FOR NOT SIGNING IT AND IT CAN BE SIGNED ON THE DAY OF CHECK OUT, THEREFORE, IT AIN'T ANY OF OUR FAULT THAT WE DIDNT GET THAT SIGNED AND YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY RIGHT TO CHARGE US CAUSE WE DID NOT SIGN THAT IN BLACK AND WHITE."

And you know what her reply was? "err.. no.. but this is our management policies."

I almost said... "fuck you chee bye, you never hear what i said just now ar?"
But I decided to do things in a MORE HIGH CLASS WAY.

"In that case, I don't see any use in talking about this to you, cause it won't lead me anywhere. Can I please speak about this issue with your manager in charge?" I replied. [In that assertive yet kuai lan tone la.]

"sure sure, he's at the reception." she said.

AND when I was about to enter the reception, Shawn said that he was the one who booked the room so he wants to deal with it. With that, I respected his decision. As much as I am reluctant cause I was soooooo passionate to FIGHT IT ALL OUT. FINE THEN. [Shawn, you owe me this, for making a poor bitch's fit hanging my the edge of the tongue. My bdae coming. BIG MEAL ON YOU! THIS WED].

Alright, we saw the manager and FUCKED UP! HE IS EVEN MORE FUCKED UP COMPARED TO HIS WORKER!

*points middle finger*

He asked us, "So, the bathroom towel was on the floor, so you used the bathroom towel, so if there isn't any bathroom towel on the floor, I assume you will use another cloth like the bedsheet?"

OMG! Based on what I've learnt in Cognitive Processes and Problem Solving 1. This is neither a valid nor a sound statement!

*points middle finger*

Let's talk about humans's nature.
If I see a cloth on the floor and you DO NOT KNOW what the cloth is for. There isn't any message saying that it is a bathroom towel. What will I think it is? A cloth for the FLOOR RIGHT?!?!?!
And if I knew that it is a bathroom towel which is on the floor, I'll picked it up and tell everyone right? And if there isn't ANY TOWELS, WHO WOULD BE SOOOO FUCKING DUMB TO USE THE BEDSHEET. Please! Don't talk about justification with REPUBLIC POLY STUDENTS. Cause, we learn A LOT of justifications. EVERYDAY somemore!

*points middle finger*

What is my issue? My issue here again is...
First thing first, you have NO RIGHTS to press any charges against us.
WHY?
Because, we DID NOT sign that check in paper in BLACK AND WHITE.
If you asked why and it is OUR FAULT to get it NOT SIGNED.
Please, FUCK OFF. AND... if i am your fucking manager, I'll dump ALL THE RULES AND REGULATIONS to you guys and ask you guys to read it AT HOME! STUDY THEM! Because, it is not our fault that we DID NOT sign the papers, PLEASE QUESTION YOUR STAFF WHY THEY ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! TO SIGN A CHECK IN PAPER UPON CHECK OUT! It's like you are soooo bloody hungry and then you forgot where your mouth is and you shove the food up your asshole!

Pua chee bye!

Second thing, It seems that people who are working in the reception OR at that place has NO COW SENSE! They argue for the sake of arguing even though they know that they are in the losing end. And apparently,
THEY DON'T VALUE CUSTOMER SERVICE! But then again, WHAT IS A FUCKING RECEPTION FOR?

*points middle finger*

I HOPE THE WHOLE SINGAPORE OR WHOLE WORLD SEES THIS. AND PLEASE, Don't bother arguing with people who flash you a REPUBLIC POLY CARD. Or rather, should I say, take note for...
Liew Yan Jin Clara.
Once you see this name, PLEASE DONT BOTHER TO ARGUE WITH HER!

p.s-too many pictures to upload la, check out dinee's blog. she have everything there! finally this post is up! This post might be a little bit funny. But... ... no choice la! It is frame in a way that I wanna upload the pictures. =X
scratched @ 2.14am

tickled

I have that strong erge to blog right now. I'm physically and mentally tired.

AND... I'm ALL FULL OF EMOTIONS right now.

Mixed feelings of satisfaction, fulfillment, sadness, reluctance and sooo on...
WHY?

Let's see... I'll blog about this once the pictures are uploaded IN A WEBSITE.

Just a little snippnet of that upcoming post,

Hopefully, by tomorrow or monday? (:

Just a key to that upcoming entry,

People come and go in our lives, what we can do is to treasure every single moment with them, and if they are really gone, at least we know that they entered our lives once, touch our lives once, and they will remain in the chapters of our lives as memories.

scratched @ 10.58pm

Close To My Heart

Well, before I blog about something that is closed to my heart, Let me make this announcement! My lover boy scored the 4th goal in the 31st minute against San Marino. Absolutely awesome! But can't be compared to Ashlee's lover boy who scored 5 goals!

WAN-SUI!!!

And of course, not forgetting the biggest victory margin in the history of European Championship qualifiers.

AND... AGAIN! NOT FORGETTING!!! Another victory in which my lover boy captained Germany to a 1-0 win over Republic of Ireland in Stuttgart.

whoooooooo!!!!!!!! WAN SUI ar! (: happy happy happy.

As I said, I'm too busy attending meetings and loads more stuff la. But I still got a little time to squeeze in a movie on the 2nd of September! I know, How busy can I get? hahas. VERY BUSY! I'm stress to that level till I can't even sleep okays. And I had to feed on pills that make me drowsy so that I can sleep! How weird is that? I bet... What I am going through is DEFINITELY worse that the O levels. [ Because I didn't study during O levels mah! =X]

The Devil Wears Prada is an awesome movie man! One movie that I can relate to!

Best! Rated 4 out of 5 by Claralicious.

*Thumbs up*

Alright, The Storyline is about Miranda Priestly who is the head of Runway magazine, who has sporting silvery hair, a vast collection of fur coats, an encyclopedic knowledge of all things fashionable, and a killer smile. Miranda is full of wicked charm, with her mature beauty and commanding presence, Miranda is as fascinating to watch as she is intimidating to the constant rotation of assistants thrown her way. And when Northwestern graduate Andy Sachs interviews to become Miranda’s newest lackey, Miranda hires her not for her lackluster wardrobe but for her intellect. Inside the pristine Runway offices, Andy suffers through a never-ending list of impossible tasks, and is the subject of constant harassment by Miranda’s jealous first assistant, Emily Blunt. But to the dismay of Andy's boyfriend, Adrian Grenier and close friends, Andy slowly finds herself seduced by the glamorous world of fashion, and by Miranda herself. While Andy’s transformation comes largely in the form of new designer clothing, the makeover is mental as well.

That is a rough conclusion of the show by Golden Village[ i did some edits here and there la. Well, Basically, this girl, Andy, she is an intellectual girl. She didn't know anything about FASHION! Ohh man! She is practically those girls who know nuts about fashion. Oops.. Did I just repeat that? okays... And she was employed because Marinda decided to take a risk because she is intellectual. There was something in Andy that attracted Marinda. Marinda then gave Andy loads of impossible stuff to do. For example, getting an unreleased book of the latest Harry Potter Book for her twins. And damn, Marinda always says that she is such a disappointing assistant. However, in some way or so, Andy eventually outran Marinda's first assistant, Emily. Andy then got a chance to go to Paris with Marinda. And during this process, Andy actually neglected her boyfriend, Adrian. And not forgetting Marinda who also neglected her family as well.
Everyone around Andy just drifted away from her. Just because they feel that she had change. A person who does not like fashion, to a person who carries Chanel, Gucci, Christian Dior, Guess, Prada etc. Not forgetting a person who loves her boyfriend so much and to a person who values her work more than anyone else. And she had a fling when she broke up with her boyfriend.

What it is gotta do with me? How? You guys wonder. No one knows about this. But only those who have been through this route with me. Baby Dickson and Ms Siti. Those are the only two I can only think of. I remembered at that time, Ms Siti wasn't really close with me la. But my Baby knew about it because he was in this with me.

I know... I gonna bore you guys with this... but if you guess feel like closing this window, you guys can go ahead! (:

I clearly remember that it was this month last year... eh... nono! okays. this is getting weird and scary! The day that started everything was this very day, last year!

*points middle finger*

Ohh man.. I think no one understands. okays. My baby had a major fight this day, last year. We had a cold war. And I clearly rememebered that today is the day when all my bitches and friends celebrated my bdae with me at White Sands' Mac[2nd level]. And my baby walked past with his friends. He saw me and he did not say hi. At that moment, I almost broke down. We had a total cold war. We didn't contact one another till the 22nd of September. Can't help it la. We got our egos la. Not forgetting, he was also with one of my best friends who i knew for 5 years. (In a relationship) I clearly remember that I was hoping for a bdae wish from him. And I told myself that, that wish determines whether this relationship would end or continue. Well, readers, you guys think that he did wish me right? That is because we are together right?

However, UNFORTUNATELY, HE DIDN'T.

How did we end up being together again?

This is where the movie, The Devil Wears Prada comes in, in relation to my life.
From the 15th of September 2005 to 22nd September 2005. I pulled through strongly. I knew I will stay strong. Telling myself that I'll definitely find a better guy. During that period, I prepared the separation gift.- A box filled with 163 straw hearts (the number of days we were together), the first picture we took at Tampines' S11, a letter, and a CD (a complilation that I did for the songs that we both... err.. sing together and etc.)

I was soooo determined that I want a break up and I have set mind mind into it. We met up together with the old group. We TRIED to sort things out. But we didn't eventually. Why? Just one reason: MAN'S EGO! We broke up. And out of rage, I threw the whole damn bloody box away, into a bin in front of him. My bitches were shocked. And I remembered one of them said that it was all hard work. And I had to threw it away. I was crying all the way home. I think the taxi driver think I siao. hahas. Then Ms Siti... aiya, that's another story la. =X

I pulled through misery till the 15th October. The other side of me came alive.
What is the other side? I became like Wandi. hahas. GOTHIC. SADISTIC. I then met my primary school friend. Nicholas Grabriel Chan Hai Long, at that point of time, I went into that relationship right after my baby broke up with my best friend. Just a split second! Really, JUST A SPLIT SECOND. Dickson called me, "I broke up with Flavia already. "

hahas. And course, I didn't patch back with him. I was so called in love with that primary school friend. I wasn't sure whether it was love. Maybe it was just companionship la. After O levels, I started to find jobs. I went for a job interview at IL FIORE RESTAURANT AND BAR. My big boss, Angie was exactly like Marinda. She is an independent woman, demanding, yet kind. She didn't have a good marriage either. She is a single parent. As her waitress, I was pushed over to the limits. She expects tip top service etc. I saw life in a wider scope. I saw the reality of life there. I learnt a lot. And I knew that I became stronger as a person. Through all these, I dare say that I was more mature compared to how I was. And because of this, I believe I do not need anyone. And I withdraw away from my social circle. The only friends I had were my fellow waitress, chefs and Angie. That is when everyone said that I changed as a person. A person who eats, sleeps and work. I was too engrossed with my work. People didn't like me. That is because I started smoking for the 3rd time. I drank till I was drunk at the work place. I totally became a slut. That is where the devil arose. But deep inside, I know that I was NOT A BAD PERSON. And to me, if people can't accept my change, fuck it. People say that I AM A SLUT. FUCK IT. So what if my sense of dressing changes? At least I know that I survived under my own rice bowl. I may get drunk after drinking half litre of vodlka absolute (neat) with my friend. But who cares? As long as I know that I don't sleep with other man. At least I know I still stick by my own principles. WHO CARES?

Till today, that me still exist. I used to be that girl who can't do without a man, without friends. But now, I can do without a man, without THAT LARGE circle of friends I used to have. My baby USED TO believe that I need to be tame and he always say that it seems that I can do without him. But I'm glad that he have learn to accept this new me.
Bottomline, If people can't accept your change, FUCK IT. At this stage, people grow. There isn't such thing as you fall because you are weak. THE FACT IS: The moment you pick yourself up from that fall, you learn a lesson either on the surface or behind the curtains, and when you learn that lesson, you grow to become a stronger person. Behind every change, there is a reason to it. (:

I'm sastified with today's entry. Though a little bit lengthy, but I'm glad that I'm able to share this here.
And with this, I shall make this promise here, with all my readers as my witness,

I, Clara Liew Yan Jin hereby promise Dickson Liaw Da Soon, that I will put that specific bad memory behind. Though it has been a year, and the past still haunts we both. We will definitely look forward to what we have. Just like friendship, I promised that I won't be there FOREVER, but I promised that I will be there whenever and wherever I can.

Why that phrase?
Just like friendship, I promised that I won't be there FOREVER, but I promised that I will be there whenever and wherever I can.

That is because, I NEVER believe that things last forever. If you made that promise.. FOREVER, and if the person needs you there, and you have to attend to unforeseen circumstances, and you can't be there for that person, isn't that breaking your promise? Because you gave your word, FOREVER.

Good topic to debate about. But what matters now is my poly forum performance at Bishan later. (:

P.S: 7 more days to my big day! (:

scratched @ 1.30am

woebegone

When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothing else
He'll trade the world
For the good thing he's found
If she's bad he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he put her down
When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Tryin' to hold on to what he needs
He'd give up all his comfort
Sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way it ought to be
Well, this man loves a woman
I gave you everything I had
Tryin' to hold on to your precious love
Baby, please don't treat me bad
When a man loves a woman
Down deep in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she plays him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Lovin' eyes can't ever see
When a man loves a woman
He can do no wrong
He can never own some other girl
Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
'Cause baby, baby, baby, you're my world
When a man loves a woman.....

This is the song i've been listening to. Percy Sledge's When A Man Loves A Woman.

Well, some things are meant to stay this way. As much as it seems that my love life is going sooo smoothly, I can't help it but start having wild thoughts now.

THEY ARE ALL BACK NOW...

So many questions that are to myself are yet to be answered.

Maybe what Siti said was right that faithful night. Will I just withdraw? Will I?

I still can't figure out.

Will things change? Will history repeat itself? Will the future still be the same as we expect? Am I afraid? Will I change? Will you change? Will I still see what I'm seeing now?

Yups, I know I can't help it. I know. I worry too much. It's just basically one reason. I love him too much.

Every second that he is not with me, my heart bleds, my head spins, I stare unknowingly in front of the laptop and tear.

I feel and I know I'll be the ONE back in Sept 2005. The one who is inexorable, anesthetized, comatosed and most importantly,

NUMB

Ever ask why? Well, that's because I want to be prepared for the worst, so that if it meant to happen, I will be prepared, and just move on and tell myself, "It's okays". Bottomline, the impact would not be that hard. (:

Dickson's Sun Conjunct Clara's Moon:

You are naturally attracted to each other and felt a rapport, a "click" when you met for the first time. You instinctively understand the other on deep, subconscious levels and may feel protective toward one another.

Clara's Sun Sextile Dickson's Mercury:

You listen to each other, hear what the other is saying and understand one another. You encourage each others' self-expression because you enjoy one another's ideas.

Dickson's Sun Square Clara's Venus:

Because your egos need to be loved, but because you are unable to express it directly, you can do so through gifts, praise and compliments and, in essence, "buy" each other's love. This is a too-much-of-a-good-thing aspect as it tends to overdo and overindulge out of a need for love.

Clara's Sun Conjunct Dickson's Mars:

There is a powerful attraction between the two of you. You feel very strongly about each other and about yourselves when you are together. This is a "me first" aspect. You bring out the competitive side in one another. This can manifest as a strong sexual tension and excitement between you.

Clara's Sun Sextile Dickson's Saturn:

You have a mutual respect and trust for each other. You take each other seriously and act maturely together. You each assume your responsibilities in the relationship without any sense of burden or restriction.

Clara's Sun Square Dickson's Uranus:

You trigger each other's rebellion and self-will. Sparks fly the minute either of you feels restricted. You bring out the unexpected and eccentric in the other. This is not a boring relationship.

Dickson's Sun Sextile Clara's Neptune:

You inspire each other to be your highest and best, to see the good in every situation, and to go for your dreams. You each feel that the other is special and that you are blessed to be together. You have a spiritual bond with each other.

Clara's Sun Square Dickson's Neptune:

You each seem too good to be true to the other. You do not see each other clearly because you want to believe the dream rather than reality. You can put the other in a bubble on a pedestal to be worshipped and adored. This can leave you open to deception and disappointment.

Dickson's Sun Conjunct Clara's Pluto:

Yours is a very powerful bond in which both of you want to be in control This is based on the belief that control equals survival. This makes you both very intense and gives an all-or-nothing tone to the relationship. You want to be in control of yourselves and each other. In truth, you are controlled by the need to be in control. Your psychic attunement with each other is very strong.

Dickson's Sun Trine Clara's N. Node:

Your creative energies combine well and assist you to both express your highest and best.

Clara's Sun Sextile Dickson's Asc.:

You get along well and give each other room to express yourselves

This is a wonderful indicator of a long-lasting relationship and it will help to bring more stability, dedication and maturity to you both. You will find that together your life becomes more secure as you put your focus will on responsibilities and practical issues. This is sure to forge a very strong bond between you which will help you form a peaceful and content relationship rather than one based on jet-setting or living high on the hog. Be careful that after a period of time you do not take each other for granted even though yours is a very comfortable relationship.Your relationship will enable you to learn a great deal about yourselves. You will probably prefer peace and quiet to any other form of lifestyle. There will not be much experimentation and digging deeper into your psyches here and you will be more reserved in the way you express your feelings for each other. Even though people may see you as somewhat cool, calm and collected toward each other, they will not understand that you do not need constant verbal reassurances to remind you of what you already feel on a very deep level.In time you will find that when the chips are down and the going gets tough, that you can always count on each other, because loyalty, friendship and reliability are positive and nurturing aspects of your life together. When it comes to the hum-drum art of daily living, taking care of work and the responsibilities you have to each other, this is the energy you want to see you through. And you have it!

Well, how true? (: I wonder whether I should be laughing or crying.

If you are reading this, have some thought yeah? (:

To HIM:

Thanks for today. I appreciate it. If you did cared, you wouldn't fault what I told you on THAT TUESDAY NIGHT. (:

Apparently, I yet to complete some admin stuff for my poly forum. Please do come down and support H5N1! The event will be held this Friday and Saturday.

Friday's event

Venue: Bishan Library, Programme Zone, Level 2

Time: 2pm

Saturday's event

Venue: Sengkang Library, Children's activity room

Time: 12.30pm

Aim: To create awareness to young children about Obesity, which is yet to be considered as a Global Health Threat by WHO.

Audience for the event: Children aged between 7 to 12 years old. (Bring down your sis and bros if you have one!)

IT IS FREE!

It's already the 6th. It's just 9 more days to MY DAY!

scratched @ 1.21am

BLAME EVERYONE!

Yes, Because of my busy schedule, I've not been blogging for nuts.
Yes, I AM IN SCHOOL NOW!
AND YES! I'VE NOOOOOOOO HOLIDAYS!

FUCK IT!

Poly Forum 2006 is driving me nuts!

Kanchanaburi's Expedition is coming AND there will be DEFINNITELY MORE PLANS COMING UP!

And I say...

I CAN HARDLY BREATHE!!!

scratched @ 7.42pm