Do you ever know?

Do you really know yourself well?
Guess, this question will remain unanswerable in everyone's life.
At times, you feel that you do know what is happening and you FEEL YOURSELF. But is that REALLY YOU?

Do you FEEL YOURSELF or Do you THINK you know yourself?

People change. Me too. And when you change, you need to adapt to yourself.
Your changes. Your rationales. Your reasons. Your thoughts.

And when it comes to making a decision, you have to think about it.

Sometimes, we need to figure out solutions to problems. Or rather, answers to certain questions.
Sometimes, we feel that we have already have the answers.
And on the other hand, we THINK that we do not have the answer but we actually do.
I've... been there, done it. (:

Solution: Time will tell.

I just came out from a dilemma. Which kinda saddens me.
That, i'll let you guys know.

In the meanwhile, chill and see this. (:

Deceived

I won't see you tonight Part 1 by Avenged Sevenfold

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me,
I cared for and loved

Building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me, you're not the one to place the blame
As bottles called my name, I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me,I cared for and most of all I loved
but I can't see myself that way
please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,I won't see you tonight
So far away, I'm gone.

Please don't follow me tonight.
And while I'm gone, everything will be alright.

-This is one song that I will listen and cry with, as the sounds dance on the surface of the my headphones

I am living in a nightmare full of sorrows
Please do not deceive me
And I dont wanna ask much
Give me a sign
Instead of those sweet nothings
I am sick of it
Don't forget me when I'm gone
Will I really leave?
I did everything I could
I hurt myself by loving you

I hate it when you cared
I hate it when you said you love and miss me
I hate it when I am around
Cause it pains me in everyway
When I fall deeper day by day

-I know all these happenings can't be right at all. I know that I am stuck in the dream. Let me just savour this moment, this dream.

What is happening?

Something is going all wrong in my life.

more stress. more challenges. more decisions.

MORE IMPORTANT DECISIONS!

And...

MY WORLD JUST CRASHED!


-I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight

The Season

It's seems like it's the SEASON. What season? The season of people leaving other people's life.

-Serene left a love triangle as a third party which she practically got fuck off by some pathetic idiotic asshole.
- Ms Siti sorta lose a younger brother.
-Grace broke up with her bf on her birthday which is on the 12th Sept 2006. Good birthday pressie right? FUCK!
- Lewis broke up with his gf and he's feeling all emo now. No worries boy, you'll like get over it.
- I broke up with Dickson like on the 11th of October after a 1 year and 6 months relationship.

What else can I say? Maybe it's just me and me.

Whatever it is. Friends for life? Or... Friends as long as I can hold on? Which is which. Fortuantely, I made my stands clear. I never believe in forever. But whatever it is, it will definitely be a long debate. So I guess, I will just drop it okays?

Well, I didn't go to school on Friday. I wanted a break. AND I realised that I can't skip anymore Fridays for the entire semester. I "claimed" all my holidays already. Once for not going back to school on the 22nd because of Poly Forum and the other one was last Friday.


Reuben Girlfriend decided to skip school with me and leaving poor Chun Hwee alone in school! How evil can we be!

I went to Girlfriend's house early in the morning and went I was walking to the bus stop.. I saw..

OMG! You guys just do not know how gorgeous she is man! She like like sooooo cuuuttee! and sswweet... Just look at her pair of cutie shoes! OMG! This kid really brighten up my day! OMG! So sweet! hahas. Okays, I DO NOT WANT to be a mummy NOW! And it just reminded me about stuff I talked to him when we were together. hahas. WHATEVER! Went to Girlfriend's house to put on my make up. And gosh! I think that the haze is stuffing my nose up and it's starting to look like chen long's (Jackie Chan)nose!

What the fuck!

*points middle finger*

I headed to town with Jovanna and Girlfriend. Met up with Serene and both of us talked our some important stuff. (:

To Serene:
I FEEL SO FUCKING ENLIGHTEN!

And THAT THOUGHT is still lingering in my mind. WHATEVER~
4 of us hit the neoprint shop and...

bombard!

So slack right! We were all like "lie down lie down! a lie down shot!"

YA WAD! And girlfriend said that.. this shot looked like a mass orgy shot!

And we see who is the thorn among the roses?!?! LOLs. Just kidding gf! (If you happen to be reading this!) (:And for the record, I LOVE THIS SHOT! I love the angle of my face la! And gf loves his goatie! hahahas.

Separated with those 2 at parkway! *sobs*
Whatever it is, Thanks Serene! (: Jovanna too!
Met up with Kim and went havoc! She gave me a little keychain. Apple keychain I guess? hahas. Oh ya! APPLES REMIND ME OF THE GOD OF DEATH! (Later part of this post!) Ya. Met up with Kim's BB collegues. And Ms Kim, for the record,

I AM NOT MAD WITH YOU!

Met up with chaos, Lewis, Chun Hwee. Sweet! I went to shopping shopping! And was freaking tired la! We went to FAR EAST'S ROOFTOP! yes! GREAT!

MEMORY LANE!

*points middle finger*

The weekends seem to be like a drilling session for me. I am made to be prisoned at home in the afternoons and mornings to teach the twins. I was only free in the nights. I went to like watch Death Note yesterday! And I must say, it was GOOD! My favourite character is Mr L! OMG! I love Mr L. The way he picks things up was... hahahahahas! FUNNY!. The way he eats, the way he drinks. hahas. with that lil' thumb in his mouth! hahahas! MUST WATCH! I love the way Kira plots his scheme. PERFECT! The way he manipulates. I love it man! (:

Alright, I owe my old school bitches this! Neoprints that were take on the 12th of Sept 2006. A significant date I will remember till I am dead. (:





I had a bad day like today, or yesterday? Oh.. it past 12! So, it's YESTERDAY! My handphone went mad! It touched water! GAWD! Dickson then came all the way down to changed my battery. I know. I know what the readers are thinking. Can't help it okays. I went for dinner with Girlfriend and Ian. We were like cam whoring!

sweeties having their hair tied up! Guess who is like beside me? no one. Just a GHOST! Now you know who is the ghost?

LIGHTS!

-And yes, I found my gold cosy arena. Have you?

Everybody's changing

Everyone is changing. Maybe people don't change. But I do. Yes, I have change. I talked to an old friend today. This was our conversation:

TG: "Clara, you have changed a lot. But its up to you to explore more about you."

Me: "hahas. thanks. a lot of people say i change a lot too. Most say for the worst."

TG: "But seriously, I like it this way, God job. I salute you! Your personality is so much different from the other times but I can't judge you fully now because you might show a part of a new you. "

Me: "Maybe it's because I am less bitchy now la. And busy as well."

TG: "And if you really need someone to talk to, u can call me, no worries..."

Hearing this, I am relieved. Though my life is in a mess now, I saw the light. Thanks dude! That is what I have been telling myself. Friends are important to be now. Not relationships. Friends are the one that really stay by you no matter what.

I have a goth name. And what it means is... " You are a sweet and caring person physically, but inside, you do get hurt a lot of times. One problem creates a scar. And it will stay there."

How true is that.

In my one of my previous entries, I mentioned about love triangle. And yes, a lot of people have been asking me whether I am involve in one. WTF?!?! So what if I am involved? So what if I am not involved in a love triangle? I do not need comments. I do not need to hide anything. Neways, I have a classic example, I just talked to my bitch, Serene. She just came out from a love triangle yesterday. And according to her, the guy just push the blame everything to her. And even beg his girlfriend for another chance. It's like what the fuck?!?!

Whatever it is, it takes two hands to clap man!

He is such a WIMP!

2 hands to clap man! 2 hands to clap! And the girlfriend also SO STUPID! Forgive him for what?

He can do this once to you, he can do it AGAIN. And this doesn't mean that u can FORGIVE him again!

WIMP WIMP WIMP WIMP WIMP WIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I despise such guys! Make your right choice. Be with the one you love! I know, it takes time. Please don't dump shit to the 3rd party if things happen! BE FIRM!

SCREW ALL THE GUYS LA!



Watch this viedo:

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
He told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

This song is like so emo! I am in love with this song man! A deep meaning to it. I haven't been blogging for a long time. And I have that tickling feeling back!

And certain people are coming back. Let me tell you guys, I AM SINGLE so what? This does not mean I am READY for a relationship! I don't want a relationship and I want to enjoy being single! SINGLEHOOD MY HOMIES! Right Ian? Right Reuben? So all those people.. better stay away! I am not talking as if a lot of people like me.. but the fact is that... all those OLDIES are coming back!

*smiles*

Wonder what I have been up to for the past few days? I have been with a group of emo guys and she is one of them!

-She is my friend.-And I played tennis yesterday with girlfriend Reuben! (: Beautiful scenery right?

And yes, I may seem to quit cam-whoring. But it is not over! More cam-whoring TOMORROW!

And owe u guys this,

Till den ppl...

- For you, I hanged myself

scratched @ 1.02am

DEAD

As I see your shadow blending into the night

My wound cuts even deeper
I hate to say this
But, is this what will really happen?
This is the first time you leave me all alone
The first time you walked out on me

scratched @ 2.39am

Dance

I am dancing in circles. I just finish everything I had to finish for my extension of my HPB Project. I figured that I wanted to change my blogskin. But then I am like so tired and busy AND LAZY!

Soo.. I decided to change the way I blog. I am back to who I was back in 2005. Good. For once, I feel my other side is alive and it's moving inside and I am enjoying it.

(:

Last Wednesday, I had my Enterprise Skills Module I. It's about the fashion thingy and my faci had to change the bloody item that we are supposed to market about!!!

WTF?!?!?!

And guess.. what did I need to market?

JOCK STRAP!

Any idea what it is?

I msned my bru-ther in msn. And he said... it was for a HORSE!

FUCK! I went to check it out and realised that it was...

http://www.hisroom.com/jock-strap,sport-underwear,454,012,10.html

YES! I KNOW! And everyone purposely bomb me because I said IT WAS FREE SIZE! I am a girl what! And the class still ask me to draw that damn thing on the whiteboard!

WAH LAU!

WHAT THE FUCK!

So embarassing lor! GOSH!

I know la. How can I be so sensitive towards this right? Because I always appear to be bitchy. If.. I was presenting to W15F... not that bad la! But... W34B leh! I am sort of new to the class! OMG!

Then bru-ther still tease me and say that it is his oxygen mask(inside joke) from his muay thai!

bru-ther... take this..

*points ALL fingers EXCEPT THE MIDDLE FINGER* LOL!

And yes...

I have so many people coming to me and asking...

"What happen to you and Dickson?"

WHAT HAPPEN?!?!?! BREAK MEANS BREAK LA! GOT WRONG IS IT?!?! FUCK LA.

Happy right? I break up with Dickson?!?! You think I care?!?! AND YES, FOR YOUR INFORMATION... HE IS MY FRIEND NOW! Any problems?!?! No right?!?! SO... SHUT YOUR FUCKING GAP!!!

Wanna know why we break up?!?!?!

Because I AM A BAD GIRL! I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO CHERISH HIM! UNDERSTAND?!?!

I don't care what people think about me. Because, I am here on earth to live for myself. NO ONE ELSE. I do things FOR MYSELF. NO ONE ELSE!

Think I am selfish?!?! YES! INDEED I AM!

THE WORLD EVOLVES AROUND ME!

I AM ME. NO ONE CAN CHANGE ME.


-I am living in the world of steel. Just slice me dry.

scratched @ 4.22am

Read this story. (:

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived. Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all the others, including Love.
One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave.
Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help.
Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, “Richness, Can I come with you on your boat??” Richness answered, “I’m sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere?”
Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel. Love cried out, “Vanity, help me please?” “I can’t help you?” Vanity said. “You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat?
Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, “Sadness, please let me go with you? Sadness answered, “Love, I’m sorry, but, I just need to be alone now?”
Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, “Happiness, please take me with you?” But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn’t hear Love calling to him.
Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, “Come Love, I will take you with me? It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name.
When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder.
Love then found Knowledge and asked, “Who was it that helped me??”
“It was Time?” Knowledge answered.
“But why did Time help me when no one else would??” Love asked.
Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, “Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is?”

scratched @ 3.29pm

In circles.

An issue I would like to touch on.

Scenerio:

Basically, in a Love Triangle, the are 3 people. A loves B. C loves B. B loves C and A. And let's place C as the 3rd party. ANd yes, C knows about A and B's relationship. OMG! how complicated that is now! I have been seeing these scenerios every day. So how? Basically, I give a 3 way report on how that 3 parties will feel if they BOTH A and C find out each other.

A: From this person point of view, C is a slut. This person thinks that he or she reserves every right to posess B. Just because he or she came first. And he or she will do anything to make B happy just not to lose out on C.

B: On the other hand, B will feel very stress out because, he or she knows that he or she have to make a choice on either one.

C: This person came in and know that he or she IS A THIRD PARTY. But this person still carries on all because of one word, LOVE. This person didn't mind anything at all. But.. is it really LOVE? or is it just SUFFERING?


FUCK. I suddenly feel that I made a mistake.
It's just not a mistake. BUT A GRAVE ONE.

Yes, indeed, I am single. And I feel that it WAS a mistake.

Time Will Tell


scratched @ 11.45am

Relentless

After being so busy for the past few months, something just dawned upon me when I saw an accident today.

Though Siti always says that god have punished her blah blah bah. Cause she bumped her head on the wall, she lost a kid blah blah blah. But what happen this morning was really shocking. It just HIT me on the spot.

I saw an old man (about 80 plus) getting down 168. He didn't see a puddle of water, he slipped and fall. He had trouble getting up. And no one was helping him. i wanted to but I was far behind.

And there, I was thinking, WHAT THE FUCK?!?! and I realised that the incident trigger a part of me that I lost few months back. I thought about loads of things when I was walking to school.

And I figured that it's part and puzzle of life... what have been doing for the past few months, i am now giving 2nd thoughts.

I feel like giving up on my Kanchanaburi Trip because it feels that it's getting no where.
I feel like leaving my house because I am sick and tired of what is happening.
I feel like breaking free from everything.

But...

I know I can't back out. Cause I ain't a loser.

I was thinking of 2 issues. But I have not come up with a conclusion. Till then.

scratched @ 2.12pm

AwwwWwww....

AwWwww..........

this is so sweet!



I at CLOUD NINE!

THANKS! *Muacks*

scratched@ 3.19pm

Amusing!

I went to party after my meeting on Saturday. And guess what I saw?

"Virgin Brides for sale! 1 for $1! Buy ONE get ONE free!"

WEIRD isn't it? WHY?!?! Cause those ladies were fucking high!!! hahas! They were so funny! They were wearing a bugs bunny hat. err.. like...

BUT! I am NOT one of them. It was just funny la okays? Amusing too! Free entertainment besides my "APPLE JUICE!"

scratched @ 3.13pm

i hanged myself.

fuck! I know I am materialistic. So what? NOT HAPPY?!?! THIS IS MY RANTING GROUND!

Yes, I am known to be MATERIALISTIC since I was in Secondary School. I used to have many thoughts. How I am going to hook up a rich old faggot. Make him spend money on me and then I'll poison him and then I'll inherit all his money!!!

wahahahahahas!

So guys, BEWARE!

Nahs, THAT THOUGHT, was all in the past. But recently, I've actually change my mindset about being materialistic. There is two THREE types of materialism which I share with Mr Ridwan and some of my Project team mates.

First kind of materialism: THE CHEAPSKATE.

Well, THE CHEAPSKATEs are the one that get their stuff from other people. For example, having sugar mummies and sugar daddies and just get whatever they want from them. In chinese, they call guys as " chi luan fan." or girls, I have no freaking idea. These people are classified under the weaklings.

Second kind of materialism: THE FAKES

Well, this group of people enjoy the image, blah blah blah, and the list goes on. But they struggle to get what they want. They spend beyond their means and get busted in the end. Cause they can't lift up to their standard of living. *boo*

Third kind of materialism: THE INDEPENDENT

For this, I salute these people and I WANT TO BE ONE OF THEM. Yes, I AM MATERIALISIC, BUT... I get it by my own means and I earn for it. I get what I earn! And I do not spend beyond my means.

hahas. how funny! But it's true! You see all these people around in this world! Think about it.

"The only true enemy that you have is yourself. Your ego is your enemy. The struggle in everyone's life is within themselves, between your ego and your soul. This struggle is over which will command your heart and your mind, your ego which only knows judgment or your soul which only knows compassion. By learning to love yourself you are learning to love your enemy. Your soul is taking command of your heart and your mind. The more you let your soul command your heart and your mind the more you will understand who you truly are. You cannot love and have compassion for your brothers and sisters here on the earth plane until you can learn to love and have compassion for yourself."

Read this webbie for more details. http://breboco.com/spiritual/spiritual21.htm

Happy reading! (:

I wanna be with you because I love you. That is the simple reason. Nothing else. I do not want to be with you because of I feel that I am grateful towards you.

scratched @ 9.44pm

cramped

I tried, but there were no sparks.
I tried, but I can't search for THE feeling anymore.
I tried, but I can't stop thinking.
I tried, but SOS doesn't help.
I tried, and I really did tried.

I'm sorry, I've fail you.

scratched@ 4.31pm

my bed of roses

I have searching for my bed of roses for the past years.

-And I'm glad I've found it.

scratched @ 2.44pm