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Sorry

I'm back to ground zero. He hates me. Maybe he never did love me. The feeling really sucks. Going back to school was killing me. I REALLY HATE IT. Everywhere I went, I was like drowning me in my own tears.

Sweetie, I'm sorry, you might not be able to meet him. Maybe because he doesn't know. That would be my one and only regret in life. Just remember, you are mine, and I love you, forever, and always. I will always always remember you :)

Stronger than ever.

I promise myself to be stronger. I promise you that I will be much stronger if I sacrifice you. Kim is right, I am a strong person and Nobody can be as strong as me. Thanks Kim. I am all ready to fight the emotional battle and trauma. I know I'll be fine. You guys have always been my strength. Dinner was fanastic with his family yesterday. It felt so warm again, but then weird without him. But I was happy though. Sitting in the car was weird too as there was an empty space between me and Timothy. However, I am thankful that I am still able to dinner with people who are still so dear to me. I am indeed more thankful receiving a call from his mum this morning, hoping that I was on my way to school. Thank you so much! I am really happy and touched. For now that I am accused of being with someone else. I do not need to convince anyone. I resign to fate.

Hairshow Post is pending. :)

FAKE

Speaking about not being with anyone else. What makes me not a good enough girlfriend for him!? I GAVE HIM EVERYTHING.

What else can I say? She calls him Teddy Bear, attached on 29.3: 29th of March 2008. Both of their friendster status are MARRIED. Romeo and Juliet.

Am I stupid or dumb?!

Maybe I am.

Coincidence is god's way of being Anoymous

I'm done with Hairshow. Though it was a successful event, I do not feel happy anymore. Yesterday was the first and last time walking on the runway with you. I know you can feel the rush in me. I know I did you proud because you know I like doing this. I will miss you on the runway with me. As day passes, I am growing more attached towards you. I'm afraid that I can't bear to let you go, but I know I have to. I'm sorry sweetie. My fault. My bad. Right now, my playlist is filled with No Doubt's Don't Speak, Life in Mono by Mono, I Go Crazy by DHT, Littlest Things by Lily Allen, Going Crazy by Natalie and Gwen Stefani's 4 in the morning. It's crazy, bitter to drop back to ground zero. I really do not want to be in this way. And in the meanwhile, those promises from him is starting to disappear in thin hair, He promised to fly my honeymoon plane, no matter what happens between us and I doubt it will happen though I want it so much. He said that he wanted to concentrate on his carrer, and he doesn't feel for anyone. Now that things are already like that, I guess what he said that day was just a way of comforting me but sadly, I rather hear the truth and now, I see the truth myself. It hurts so much now, much more than how it was initially. Why must he lie?! Somehow, I wish that I know the truth, the truth of you not wanting to be with me. I guess having a career is an excuse to leave because right now, you are happy with someone else.

How can you move on so fast? How can you? After all the ups and downs? After all I have done? You really hurt me badly. And now, I am back to ground zero. Thank You.

The 1st April: Fate

Mae's Awakening
When I close my eyes to this paradox place,
ill fly away far away from here,
I’ll get away and dream,
dream of you,
when its all said and done,
and the night has come,
ill disappear,
take flight on the wind of wishing you where here,
fading light like a star whose life has been gone for years

and I'll fly,
fly across the sky,
and I’ll leave,
leave it all behind,
if you’d be here,
here with me tonight,
I’ll be fine,
I’ll be fine,
I’ll be fine

I’ll disappear,
take flight on the wind of wishing you where here,
fading light like a star whose life has been gone for years

and I'll fly,
fly across the sky,
and I’ll leave,
leave it all behind,
if you’d be here,
here with me tonight,
I’ll be fine,
I’ll be fine,
I’ll be fine…



Well, April's Fool wasn't nice for me today. And I know that every April's Fool wouldn't be the same anymore as today's memory will forever be emblazoned in my mind. Sometimes, I wish I didn't live off today. It sucks having to fall back to ground zero again. Tearing everywhere. At that moment, those stares didn't matter again. Those flashbacks are so bitter. The only comforting thing was hearing you saying that you miss me. And see you replying a "yes" in that question I asked. Maybe you may call me stupid that I still have hopes. Maybe I still do. Maybe I don't. All I know is that, I still can't get out of this shithole because...

I REALLY DO NOT KNOW.

IT'S FRUSTRATING AND SADDENING.

Right now, I will get to feel you as long as I want to till that faithful day. Sweetie, I know that you can sense his presence. I know. I wonder how you would look like. Cos' part of me is excited to see you. But I know I can't. Time doesn't allow me too. I'm sorry sweetie. You will get to sense him again. I promise.



Tomorrow would be HAIR PREP FOR HAIRSHOW, AND ZOUK WITH BUTTOCKS!

SP Video

Well, Kevin came over to film some daily rountine thing a few weeks back. The video is done and I must say it's damn good no doubt some movements of mine are damn unglam! haha!

Clara is just like a DURIAN.

Small Bully said that, "You are just like a durian. There are 3 levels to know you. 1st level: You appear to be unfriendly and bitchy, just like the durian shells. Those who dare to take on the challenge and be condemned will complete the 1st level, and will proceed to the 2nd level and that would be: Smelling the pungent smell of durians is like getting hit by your words with massive bitching. If anyone succeeds in enduring, they will proceed to the last level: Learning to appreciate the taste of the fruit, which is like learning to appreciate you of who you are and what you stand for. "


Somehow, how true! Yesterday, I went Dbl O again, well, I got to admit that I was high. Sadly, small bully wasn't there. Thank god for Flavia, Eddie, and Long Ge. Well, let's talk about sperms right now. I hate it. I hate when people blame me for not being able to get over Terence. I mean, COME ON! WHAT IS ALL OF YOUR PROBLEM?! Is it my fault?! Is it my fault for me to get emotional?! Is it my fault to get hurt?! Am I not entitled to my own emotions?! Is it your problem when I look and behave so happily, bitchy and crazy when I am actually hiding things inside?! Does it even concern you guys?! What are you guys after for?! I am not that 14 or 15 naive year old kid you guys think I am. Do not act like you care as if I am part of your tongue and not having me will actually make you guys lose your speech. HAHA. It's just not about looks but being attracted to my strong character?! I am NOT dumb. Well, WHAT MAKES YOU APPROACH A GIRL? Everyone is superfical. Come on! Do not give me the bull crap shit. I am not saying that I am pretty pretty. But I know I look average. I can handle my own problems. When I said I do not want a boyfriend in my life now, it just means NO. I hate it when you guys keep pushing me. I do not like it at all. For the first time, I STAND THIS FIRM.

I WANT TO BE SINGLE. I DO NOT WANT ANY RELATIONSHIP.

I hope you guys get it straight. I am sick of all of you proposing proposals. Everything is about me and myself. I have a problem. I am reserving the last. All the lasts. You can call me stupid. You can call me being paranoid and dumb. But that's how I like it. To reserve all the lasts.



And of course, it's so irritating having guys telling me that they are gonna get strawberries for me. They just do not get it. NOT EVERYONE CAN BUY ME STRAWBERRIES.

You should have the courtesy to ask, "May I buy strawberries?" And when I just look at you and say, "NO" Just don't. Cos' even if you do, I will throw it away no matter how much I like them. Do not ask why. But there's a reason behind it.


Well, yesterday, we had the FULL TIME BUTTOCKS IMPROMPTU MEETING! I was recruiting models at Lido when I bumped into Vivian. She needed to do some hair treatment for this coming 3rd of April event.

After bringing the 2 models for the hair show casting, Desiree told me that she do not need any female models anymore. Totally crap! And that they were in need of one urgent male model who is willing to cut his hair. At that moment, Vincent came into my mind because I remembered him complaining to me about his hair length about a week ago. So I called him down for casting while waiting for Vivian to finish her hair treatment. And BINGO! ALL 3 MET UP AT CHARLES & KEITH. The 小老婆 needed her 3 inches high heels for the show on the 3rd. Luckily, I already had one. After stepping out of the shop, this was what happen to the husband.

Both wives dumped all the bags to him! Poor boy! But we still love you lah Vincent!

Well, 3 of us are super close that everywhere we go, Vincent will be mistaken as Vivian's bf or my bf! So, me and Vivian said that Vincent is like every girl's bf!
Vincent and me then sent Vivian to the MRT station and we headed to Pepper Lunch, Vincent had this crazy idea of creating the "Lover's set" HAHA. It's crappy though.
I guess it's a wrap up. The full time buttocks will be striking the runway on the 3rd of April 2008 at St. James. Please do come down and lend your support! DO NOT BRING BANNERS! HAHA. I was just kidding.

I'm pretty tired now. I didn't get to sleep for a night now. I need to get some rest, and take care of myself. I've not been feeling well and I sure do know the reason why. Whatever it is, To Charity or Teddy, I am so sorry. I am really sorry. I wouldn't want to make you suffer. Crap. I need to book appointments, do paperwork and I need money money money! MANY MONEY! MANY MANY MORE THAN MANY MANY!

Okie, and I am back to work now!

Forging strength from weakness

Alright, after a long time, I managed to get my ass here. And start to blog. Well, everyone started asking and questioning about those emotional posts. For now, I just have to say that I am still going on fine. It's been a rough ride for the past month. Yes. Finally, I have the courage to say that: Terence and I are not together anymore. It's been a difficult period. Till now, but I know I am getting better right now. And I promise that the random-ness will get back yea? Even after changing blogskin, (cos' I am still WAITING VERY PATIENTLY FOR SOMEONE TO GET MY BLOGSKIN DONE..) I kinda realised that some things remain the same which kinda sucks big time. It's like, it's been quite a while after someone was with you, and then when you try to get rid of certain things, or when you try to get back on track, it's so difficult. Cos' memories kill. I will have a closure like how I always do right in this blog. I will when I am ready, emotionally stable. :)

Well, after that faithful day, the other two princesses (who were the first to know about this) suggested for an outing with ICE CREAM. And of all places, THE CATHY.
There were more photos, but I guess this would be enough. Cos' the rest are just too, weird to be up here. Cos' Siti can't stop snapping despite how I was feeling.

I went to Sentosa together with the other princess few weeks back.

Nothing much to update. Read her post to find out more: CLICK HERE




Well, I also realised that Kevin Ban, who is one of my colleague at MC.Models: is one of the princesses' childhood friend from church! WHAT A SMALL WORLD!!!


Well, during this period of time, someone has been helping me out, going out with me, making sure that I am okie. Liasing with my 2 princesses, to make sure I do not fall back to ground zero. Many thanks to you!
The above picture: Small Bully said that some singaporeans will be damn weird and irritating to take a picture of a person who is wearing an army uniform and a girl who is standing beside him, listening to songs together via mp3 and accuse the poor guy of an offense: An act of affection in public. So, I said that I would be that irritating and dumb singaporean and post it in my blog.


Well, besides having great friends during the day time, I have a bunch of nice people at night too. Especially when I do not want to stay at home, facing 4 walls, and those memories kept keep pumping in. Plus, I can't sleep at all! So, I rather go out. Some people will actually say that "having this kind of nightlife is your thing", but they really do not understand. They do not understand the pain that you are going through, facing four walls, looking at stuffed toys on your bed, and crying non-stop till 6 or 7am. Expect me to go where?! Go mustafa huh? And smell all the people who live in mars who haven't heard of what perfume or cologne is? Expect me to go shopping?! At where?!

Some people say that I am running away, my mum, my dear girlfriends, but what can I do? I cannot do anything. I do not want to do certain things and people think that I am seeking for attention. I CHOSE TO SELF-DESTRUCT. So, my nightlife has been like this:


Models Night Out:

Dbl O:
And some bitch reunion (with a guy who I havent met for years!):

And a super tall girl! who is bloody 1.8m and she still wear heels!

Clara and Long lost friend Daniel!:


It was crazy having 2 bottles!

AND THEN, WE HOPPED TO DBL O AGAIN!

And as usual,
We zouked too, went all crazy,

with flaming Lamborgini,

Basically, it was many zouks, and DBL O! I am a resident of DBL O lah! Even the bouncer recognises me. "Eh, I see you every week!" Even certain people who I always seem to meet. CRAP. Basically, its because DBL O is cheap! The drinks are only $3 for shots and glasses, $12 per jug.

Well, whenever I go with my gfs, the ratio to girls and guys are like sperms and eggs. it's like millions of sperms to one egg. So, me and my gfs will start kissing each other on the dancefloors and all the sperms will just stare and back off! It's like SO FUNNY! And whenever we aren't high enough to kiss one another, we will go screaming and shouting (You wouldnt want to know what we said.) and they will just back off. HAHA. Luckily, most of the times, there's Daniel and Small Bully there!

NOT FORGETTING SITI'S TRADITION OF CAKE GIVING!!!

Right now, life has been busy for me. Giving tuitions, Working with MC.models, FYP research, Silver Ribbon. I'm going on fine. I am going along fine but why?! Why do some things just can't seem to get out of my mind.

Well, I somehow wish that you didn't leave. Cos' if you didn't, no one, no sperms will be on my back now. I will be leading a peaceful life.

SCARS

Logging into this space feels so foreign right now, though I only haven't been here in this space since 4th of March. Since March started, it feels that time has passed VERY slowly. Though it's only been more than 2 weeks, that day seems like it's last year. I have so many drafts un-posted, unfinished since 1st March. And I do not dare to peep in those entries cos' I do not want to fall back down.

I am proud to say that I am getting better as days pass. Somehow, it doesn't pain as much as before. Somehow, certain things doesn't matter anymore. Somehow, I do not cry every single time I walk down a memory lane. Somehow, I have already stop crying every night. Somehow, I do not have any expectations anymore. Somehow, looking at couples being so in love doesn't make me cry anymore like how I used to. I do not get weird glances when I walk along streets or sit in the bus anymore, For now, I just think back, and I smile because it happen though I am feeling so bitter and sour inside. However, I am not sure whether I am really feeling this way or I am just suppressing everything inside again. I hope it isn't the latter because I do not want to fall back to ground zero again. I do not want to. Cos' if I do, I will be letting down those people who have been there through this sucky and bitter stage with me. FUCK. Typing this is like turning on the tap. It sucks. I went through so much struggles, so much determination, just for me to get to where I am. I do not want a relapse like how I always did, that's when I realised that I fall back down though I try so hard to be and stay strong.

Kim went out with me on Monday (Yesterday), she smsed me this after we part, "You coped really well today! Keep it up gal! :) You will definitely get pass this sucky stage la.."

Yes Kim, though we had a huge cold war over certain issues, I am glad you are there when I really needed strength. I really appreciate you! Though you may have your PMS, (Come on! Every woman does!) I still love you. You seem to understand, yes, speaking from exactly 10 years of friendship! Thanks for everything! :)

Siti, sorry to make you cry as well and having your mum suspect that you broke up with some secret boyfriend. Thank you for coming down when I needed you. Thank you for all your encouragement. Thank you for being so understanding. Thank you for the sleepless nights with me as well. Sorry for those stupid thoughts and not loving myself. Thank you for knocking some sense into me. I wondered where would I be if I've not met you.

Serene, just seeing you once knocked much sense into me. You've been through it all. I can do it as well. I love you bitch! :)

Flavia and Small Bully, thank you so much for being there! REALLY! Thank you for those breaking down sessions, puking, drinking and fagging sessions! Though it's not healthy like we all know, those have ended and I managed to run away somehow, from the pain every single night and I came back stronger, fall back down, pick myself up again, and you guys have always been there. Thank you so much. Small Bully, thank you so much for placing me back on path and on track. It means a lot having to get back life, thank you for being so harsh on me, thank you for giving me that hard (as a rock) reality check, of course, thank you for your encouragement and your countless worries for me. I promised I won't say or do anything like what I said and did last Saturday anymore. I will love myself. :)

This is the 1st time I ever feel this way and I am feeling damn god helpless. But I am fine now, for the time being.

As for now, I have a biggest worry in which I feel so helpless because I feel that I fail. Maybe if you wanna drift away from me, it's OKIE. Though I am dealing with a huge obstacle myself, I still worry for you. It just shows your maturity level. You claim that you do know what you are doing, how you feel etc. But don't you get it?! It's too fast. After all the crap you promised me that night, has it gone down the drain? Do not be the 2nd one, the 2nd person who breaks promises. DO NOT. Cos' what you are doing now is making me lose faith in promises. Do not make me not believe in promises. I have your interests at heart. If that's what you want, for me to fuck off of your life, TELL ME STRAIGHT! DO NOT ASK SOMEONE TO PASS THE BLOODY MESSAGE TO ME. Yes, I am pissed with you, I am terribly upset and disappointed with you. It's not only me, but someone else. Is that person so damn important to you? More important than me?! A person who barely knows you for 2 weeks and someone who knows you for 6 years? You insist, you make me feel like a fool. I am too angry with you right now get it? I am terribly upset with you. If that's what you want, since you are so freaking stubborn, as if I will do you harm, I WILL LEAVE YOU! AND I MEAN IT.
Good luck in life mate! All the best!

In the meantime, I'll take my leave. I wish to go away. I'll be back soon.

untitled

I guess, I'm pretty quite alright after last night. I guess I am feeling better now. I thank you for those screamings, shoutings and heartless treatment. I do not know whether I am starting to hate you. Maybe I am. Yes, I think I am doing so.

Maybe I will cry hard again. Maybe I will. And I think I am starting to again. But for this time, it would be for a different reason.

For all the bad times that you always remember. Thank you.