I'm hanging by a thin thread

I guess it's time to change my blogskin. It's been a long time since i blog... Well, it havent been a good week so far... Last Friday.. I went out with Daddy and his family... We went to celebrate his dad's bdae. We went to suntec to have Japanese food. That was the only good occasion i can think of for the past week.

As i said, i'm hanging by a thin thread, I can't help it. I just keep tearing. Listening to him makes me tear. I just can't get over what happen last night. All the things he said keep circulating in my mind. It just keeps going. I don't know what to do. I feel so.. so.. the feeling is just unexplainable! Daddy, you wanna know why i did that? You really wanna know? It's not that i'm not determined to quit. It's just that i wanna keep my weight. I love my body. If you take it as an excuse, I'm sorry. This is not an excuse to me. I love my waist now. I love it. I love my weight. I really don't feel like talking about anything. It just makes me sick. I can't afford to cry, I'LL GO BLIND! i really need to break free.

If you can act like nothing happen last night and that ya not angry with me anymore. I'm sorry but i can't. I just can't get over the fact that it happen. You made me sound like I'm some kind of loser who dare not take up the consequences. You made me sound like helping people around me is wrong (no matter who the person is). You made me sound so immature that i do not know anything. You made me look like a 3 year-old kid. Those expressions, those feelings were all uncounted for.

I know, I'm in the wrong. You made me sound like i'm some kind of evil person. You made me sound like i've no guilt conscience. You didn't know those feelings when i was lying right beside you. You didn't know. You didn't know how i felt when i look at you. It wasn't love at those moments. But all guilt. You didn't know didn't you. You didn't know that i even thought of sacrificing how i look now and stop that habit. You didn't even know that i even thought of telling you what i did after i stop that habit. Yes, i lied. But did u know all these things? Do you even know that the good news i wanted to tell you was that i've quit by the end of this week? You didn't. You made me sound so bad. You really made me sound like a beast.. You even made me look like me crying was just to gain sympathy from you. You even made me look like i was trying to gain pity with that sad face. damn... those were all wrong. Why must you say that? Why must you say that? Do you know that it brings back bad memories? Do you do know? It still haunts you know? What bad memories? It brought me back to the moment when i was under the block with the whole "gang" and you shouted at me.. "stop all those crocodile tears.. they are all fake.." How could you even wrong my own identity and proclaimed that they were fake? How could you even asked whether you should leave. I HATE THAT QUESTION! I REALLY HATE IT. IHATEITIHATEITIHATEIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO USE THAT AS A THREAT KNOWING THAT I REALLY DO NEED YOU? Are you using it cause you know that i really love you now? I HATE YOU FOR THAT! I REALLY HATE YOU FOR THAT!

If you ever asked, why all these are happening now.. What wrong have you done.. there are things that i didn't say. Things that i never told you. Another part of my birthday wish. And that's to vow revenge on you. I was so mad.. I know all these could be prevented. But i dunno why it keeps happening. It as if something in my sub-consciencious mind is doing. Maybe it's really payback of what you done. I may be wrong. I've been trying to cover it up. I dunno why.

Whenever i'm mad at you, I don't bring the past unhappy stuff along.. I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. BUT YOU BROUGHT IT ALL UP! Instead, i think of how nice you've been. How much a dear you can be and i'll not get that angry. Yours is always a full blast. WHY HAVEN'T YOU THOUGHT? YOU LIKE IT LIKE THAT... U CONTROL MY LIFE. I still follow through. I listened. Based on my character, I WON'T DEAL WITH ANY SHIT LIKE THAT! But i did, spare a thought for me whether i should be even like that? I'm not myself when i'm with you. never. WHAT WAS MYSELF? MYSELF WAS THE GIRL WHO GAVE YOU A WHOLE BUNCH OF ATTITUDE ON 26 OF MARCH 2005! That was Clara Liew Yan Jin! THAT WAS THE GIRL WHO HAD HER OWN THINKING AND BELIEVE IN NOTHING ELSE WITH EXCEPTION OF HERSELF. THAT WAS THE GIRL WHO DIDN'T EVEN ALLOW ANYONE TO CONTROL HER LIFE! You sure you want her back? This is not me. I'm not easily beaten down by nature. I lost it. Even my self-esteem.

Whatever it is, it's time to break free i guess, I'm just waiting for ure green light daddy, let me do it. If not, I'll stay at my working place as a patient not a admin staff. Believe me.