SCARS

Logging into this space feels so foreign right now, though I only haven't been here in this space since 4th of March. Since March started, it feels that time has passed VERY slowly. Though it's only been more than 2 weeks, that day seems like it's last year. I have so many drafts un-posted, unfinished since 1st March. And I do not dare to peep in those entries cos' I do not want to fall back down.

I am proud to say that I am getting better as days pass. Somehow, it doesn't pain as much as before. Somehow, certain things doesn't matter anymore. Somehow, I do not cry every single time I walk down a memory lane. Somehow, I have already stop crying every night. Somehow, I do not have any expectations anymore. Somehow, looking at couples being so in love doesn't make me cry anymore like how I used to. I do not get weird glances when I walk along streets or sit in the bus anymore, For now, I just think back, and I smile because it happen though I am feeling so bitter and sour inside. However, I am not sure whether I am really feeling this way or I am just suppressing everything inside again. I hope it isn't the latter because I do not want to fall back to ground zero again. I do not want to. Cos' if I do, I will be letting down those people who have been there through this sucky and bitter stage with me. FUCK. Typing this is like turning on the tap. It sucks. I went through so much struggles, so much determination, just for me to get to where I am. I do not want a relapse like how I always did, that's when I realised that I fall back down though I try so hard to be and stay strong.

Kim went out with me on Monday (Yesterday), she smsed me this after we part, "You coped really well today! Keep it up gal! :) You will definitely get pass this sucky stage la.."

Yes Kim, though we had a huge cold war over certain issues, I am glad you are there when I really needed strength. I really appreciate you! Though you may have your PMS, (Come on! Every woman does!) I still love you. You seem to understand, yes, speaking from exactly 10 years of friendship! Thanks for everything! :)

Siti, sorry to make you cry as well and having your mum suspect that you broke up with some secret boyfriend. Thank you for coming down when I needed you. Thank you for all your encouragement. Thank you for being so understanding. Thank you for the sleepless nights with me as well. Sorry for those stupid thoughts and not loving myself. Thank you for knocking some sense into me. I wondered where would I be if I've not met you.

Serene, just seeing you once knocked much sense into me. You've been through it all. I can do it as well. I love you bitch! :)

Flavia and Small Bully, thank you so much for being there! REALLY! Thank you for those breaking down sessions, puking, drinking and fagging sessions! Though it's not healthy like we all know, those have ended and I managed to run away somehow, from the pain every single night and I came back stronger, fall back down, pick myself up again, and you guys have always been there. Thank you so much. Small Bully, thank you so much for placing me back on path and on track. It means a lot having to get back life, thank you for being so harsh on me, thank you for giving me that hard (as a rock) reality check, of course, thank you for your encouragement and your countless worries for me. I promised I won't say or do anything like what I said and did last Saturday anymore. I will love myself. :)

This is the 1st time I ever feel this way and I am feeling damn god helpless. But I am fine now, for the time being.

As for now, I have a biggest worry in which I feel so helpless because I feel that I fail. Maybe if you wanna drift away from me, it's OKIE. Though I am dealing with a huge obstacle myself, I still worry for you. It just shows your maturity level. You claim that you do know what you are doing, how you feel etc. But don't you get it?! It's too fast. After all the crap you promised me that night, has it gone down the drain? Do not be the 2nd one, the 2nd person who breaks promises. DO NOT. Cos' what you are doing now is making me lose faith in promises. Do not make me not believe in promises. I have your interests at heart. If that's what you want, for me to fuck off of your life, TELL ME STRAIGHT! DO NOT ASK SOMEONE TO PASS THE BLOODY MESSAGE TO ME. Yes, I am pissed with you, I am terribly upset and disappointed with you. It's not only me, but someone else. Is that person so damn important to you? More important than me?! A person who barely knows you for 2 weeks and someone who knows you for 6 years? You insist, you make me feel like a fool. I am too angry with you right now get it? I am terribly upset with you. If that's what you want, since you are so freaking stubborn, as if I will do you harm, I WILL LEAVE YOU! AND I MEAN IT.
Good luck in life mate! All the best!

In the meantime, I'll take my leave. I wish to go away. I'll be back soon.